I didn’t understand why my nightmares and flashback were recurring again. I told myself ‘it happened years ago and that I should be over it by now’. Little did I know that trauma imprints in our body/nervous system; till we are ready to consciously heal it. Everybody has his or her definition of trauma. Just because something might not be traumatic for you it doesn’t mean it isn’t for someone else. The impact trauma has on a person is huge. Just because it happened years ago doesn’t mean a person has healed from it. It’s common to have a delayed reaction. At the time I dealt with the amount I was ready to process. As I grew up my views and beliefs changed. I learned and experiences new things. There’s only an amount of time where you can numb, distract or hide before it catches up with you again.
I didn’t even realise I was carrying the mentality of the helpless and broken girl. I thought my trauma was my fault. I guess being powerless for a long time; I wanted some control over it. So I took the blame, I told myself it was happening because I was bad a person and I somewhat deserved it. Deep down I knew this was a lie but at the time I couldn’t face the truth. How does a little girl come to terms that someone who supposedly there to protect her, does the complete opposite? Instead, they betray the trust, take the innocents and made them question their insanity. Never would I wish upon the experiences and feelings I’ve felt, on to another person. It’s terrifying, not being able to feel safe in your own skin. I am in the process of claiming the power that was taken from me.
I was angry for a long time. I just couldn’t comprehend how anyone could do such a horrid action towards anybody, let alone children. That was one of my realizations; I don’t have to understand or come up with excuses on why someone would cause such horror. It doesn’t change the fact that I am now left picking up the pieces that were forcefully taken from me in the first place. A handful of my issues as a young adult stems from the trauma. They weren’t easy to spot because I had to dig deeper each time. I wanted to know why I would react to certain things the way I did. This healing process has to be intentional. It has to happen in your own pace, somewhere you feel safe and supported. I used therapy as my safe place, where I’ve felt most secure and supported. I constantly educated myself by reading articles about trauma and the effects, as well as how to heal from them. It gave me a better understanding of what was happening in my head and body. When I had no idea what was going on.
I don’t give a fudge if you’re the richest or smartest person in this world. Nobody has the right to take away anyone’s innocents like that. I am not to blame for the horrific events or was it ever my fault. He misused his powers and manipulated everyone to see him as the victim. He was a grown man and knew exactly what he was doing. He is to BLAME.
My trauma doesn’t define who I am and who I will be. I am not the powerless 10 years old girl anymore. Never am I going to let a piece of sh*t of a person have that much control over me, ever again. I am taking my power back because it was mine in the first place. Not yours, not his, but MINE.